Noise is beautiful?

This evening I went to church (HTB) with a couple of friends. I went with a lot of stuff on my mind; worries, anxieties, etc. I wasn't in the ideal mood and part of me didn't really want to go but I had sensed in church this morning that I should go, so I did.

At one point during the worship I stopped singing, shut my eyes and just listened. It was like nothing I've heard before. I've been in times of worship before when there's been a really special moment; but this was something more than that. Perhaps nobody else noticed it, because it was nothing out of the ordinary. But what I heard was the sound of people all around me engaging with the Almighty, pouring out their hearts and giving their all. Usually those "special moments" are in the silences, or spontaneous singing. But as I shut my eyes and listened, there was nothing like that. It was a sound I guess we usually take for granted and think nothing of. But as I focussed on it this evening it filled my head in a beautiful way and, for a moment, I was unaware of anything else.

"My salvation and my honour depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." (Psalm62:7-8)

How I long to be able to pour out my heart to God in the way that I heard people doing this evening. What holds me back? Fear, I guess. This morning at church we were looking at how prayer is about a relationship with God. Just like a parent knows their child, so God desires that intimate relationship with us; a relationship of mutual trust.

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the LORD, "and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile." (Jeremiah 29:12-14)

This evening in the response the speaker mentioned that our true identity can often be hidden under "cloaks" we put on (or that other people put on us). In reality, our true identity should only be as a unique and valued child of God. How I needed to hear that this evening. I was chatting with a friend the other day about how I don't feel "myself" unless I'm with certain people or doing certain things. But my identity isn't in the people I spend time with. My identity isn't in trying to copy those I look up to. My identity is in Christ and in who He is making me to be. I need to learn to accept that; to discover who I really am and grasp it with both hands (and both feet too, I'm an organist).

My deepest desire is for relationship. I hate being on my own and only feel "myself" when I'm with friends. That whole area has caused me so much pain and frustration over recent months, yet I was reminded this morning that our (my) relationship with God should be one of mutual trust and understanding. If anyone knows what I long for it's the guy that made me. I need to learn to hear the beat of His heart more and become lost in His presence...that's what happened for a very brief moment this evening.