Estonia

Have recently got back from Estonia, I went with a group from The Salvation Army. It was the most humbling, eye-opening, priority-changing time ever and I'm so glad I was able to go. I had a sense from the moment I knew I'd be going that it wasn't just fluke, and that God was going to have something to say while I was there. I went with the band from a small corps (church) in Hythe (on the coast near Folkstone)...to play cornet. I'm not a cornet player, nor do I have any real connection with that church so was wondering why they asked me! But I got so much from our time there, none of it relating to the music - that was just the means to an end, story of my life!

The biggest thing that sticks in my mind (and will for the rest of my life) is when we went down the road to the Kopli Lines. This is the poorest area of the city, where 6000 people live with no electricity, running water, sanitation, etc. The Salvation Army has a regular ministry in that area and we were so priviliged to be able to join them on this occasion. We were told that in a couple of months time, temperatures would be down to -20 and there would be 2 or 3 feet of snow...yet still these people would be here with no way of keeping warm except by lighting fires inside their huts...which then often caught fire. It made me think...this is what The Salvation Army was raised up to do, to meet people in places like this and to show them the love of God. To us a cup of soup is almost nothing, and (dare I say it) has almost become an iconic part of our ministry here in the UK - we do it partially because its the "done thing", partially out of guilt for not being able to do anything worthwhile, all the time knowing that we are often being taken advantage of. But here, that cup of soup was probably the only meal some people would have for a long time. It showed me a whole new meaning to the word "need", and changed my priorities in life completely.

Another highlight was the chance I had to share a "testimony" during the sunday morning meeting. This was hilarious as everything that was said had to be translated twice - into Estonian and Russian - and took for ever. But I was struggling to come up with something to say - I never know what a testimony is meant to be, and I don't really have a very interesting story to tell. So I gave it over to God and asked what He wanted to say through me. He put the "faith, hope and love" passage from 1Corinthians 13 on my heart, so I spoke around that...I'll elaborate when I've got my bible with me because I can't remember everything off the top of my head. I don't do enough thinking, and often its only when things like this make me look back at the past that I realise quite what God has done in my life and how He's shaping me for the future.

There's a scary word...one which has given me so much hassle over the last year as I've given up fighting God's call to full time ministry. And this is where I realise why I was asked to play an instrument I don't play by a church I don't go to. Before we went, a friend had a vision that while I was there God would speak to me in an amazing way. It got to the sunday morning meeting and He hadn't yet (apart from the whole faith, hope&love thing) so I thought I'd got away with it. Then when we went to the Lines I realised that if He was going to say anything then it would probably be here, so I asked Him if the compassion I had for the people living here meant that He wanted me to work with the Army here (or at least somewhere similar - lets face it, there's poverty everywhere). At first I sensed that He didn't want me to go back there, but just to know that it existed, to have a heart for the people and for the church's ministry there, and to pray for it. I was reminded of a curate at another church I go to saying that a need isn't necessarily a call...somebody has to work there, but maybe not me. But thats been slowly changing over the last week (I know, a week is hardly time for something to change slowly, but I know what I mean even if nobody else does). I started to sense that although God was still saying "no", there was a hint of "not yet" in it, a conviction not to rule anything out. Maybe thats just me, I don't know. I've got two and a half years left at music college before I have to think about what to do next, so there's plenty of time for God to correct me. It says in Proverbs (somewhere - I'd find it if I had my bible with me) "in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths"...

Sorry for the essay